Disclaimer:  My husband will willingly go shopping for me anytime I ask.  NOTHING about the following blog applies to Phil.  NOTHING.  Also, when a man (i.e. Phil) stops by the side of the interstate to pick his wife (i.e. ME) a huge bouquet of wild daisies.....and brings them home with a smile... HE IS A HERO HUSBAND.  A HERO HUSBAND.

HUSBAND LESSON # 5 - HOW TO WRITE A SHOPPING LIST

My young friend Lindsey called the other day. She said, "I read your blog a while back about how a man hears, like, every 5th word. I think they only read every 5th word also.  I asked my husband to get some stuff at the grocery store.  I wrote 'Cherry Coke'.  He bought Cherry Pie."   So here, in an effort to help womankind is the sequel to How To Speak To A Man". 

Here is: 

"How To Write A Shopping List for a Man"

Rule #1 - SET YOUR NAME BRAND POLICY - GENERIC OR NOT????.  

Don't ignore this first step.  If you want TIDE detergent, make it CLEAR -before he walks out the door -  that you do not want "SENSATIONAL SUDSO" because it is "almost $4.00 cheaper than the same size of TIDE".   You must say.. slowly.. firmly.. yet respectfully..."Honey, since gas costs over $4 a gallon, I know you won't want to have to drive BACK to the grocery story if you substitute something on this list... So I want TIDE.. OK?  TIDE." (Using the $4/gallon tactic will ALWAYS WORK to get him to pay attention)

RULE #2 - A.B.R.R.S. - ALWAYS BE REALLY, REALLY, SPECIFIC

If at all possible, write the words EXACTLY as they appear on the box.  This will take extra time as you write the list....but.....it will save time in the end.  So, if you want him to buy a box of Bounce fabric softener.. don't just write "Bouce". 

You need to write - "1 Box with 160 sheets of Bounce, Outdoor Fresh Scent". or "ONE GALLON OF WHOLE MILK.  NOT 2% or 1%."   Things like....CHERRY COKE.. should be written in HUGE LETTERS if it's possible that other objects begin with the same word.. as in CHERRY PIE.   So, BLUEBERRY muffins could be confused with BLUEBERRY PIE. HUGE Your list should appear like, BLUEBERRY MUFFINS. And if need be, repeat rule #1.

RULE # 3 - TREAT HIM LIKE HE'S GIVING YOU HIS RIGHT (OR LEFT) KIDNEY

Even though you go grocery shopping as often as you brush your teeth and can keep three kids from breaking anything on any aisles, while you talk on your cell phone AND plan three weeks of dinner menus as you walk - GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE IS A BIG DEAL FOR A MAN.  It ain't natural.   It ain't God-fearin.  It ain't fun.  So.. remember to say thank you a couple of hundred times.   I don't care how "enlightened" your husband claims to be, or you think he is......trust me.......when he goes to the grocery store.. in his mind.....he's doing you a favor to buy the food that you will cook for him to eat. 

RULE #4 - MEMORIZE SHOPPER'S SERENITY PRAYER

"God, help me to accept the things I cannot change and do without the the things he cannot find".  It is physically impossible for a man to find something like.. uh...capers anywhere on the planet and this includes the supermarket.   This is a proven scientific fact.  Therefore, if you need capers you're gonna have to go there yourself girl.  DO NOT expect him to find things like "pearl onions", "white pepper" or "cream of tartar".  

RULE #5 - NEVER SEND A MAN TO DO A WOMAN'S SHOPPING

He doesn't want to go down "that" aisle.  Have mercy.  Don't send him unless it's an emergency.. like.... well.....you know what an emergency is. 

RULE # 6 - REMEMBER THE VALUE

If you have a husband who is willing to go to the supermarket, then you should value that he values you.   Many women reading this would give anything in the world to have someone who wants to share the workload of running a home.  If your husband has gone grocery shopping for you in the past month.....you are more blessed than most of the women you know.